On Confidence and Creativity

Two weeks ago, my anxiety amped up and crashed right into me. Literally.  I was rear-ended while sitting in traffic during my morning commute, and from there, the week just went south.

I cried in front of my co-worker over my insecurities at work.

I cried in front of my employer over my work load and personal life.

I cried on the phone to my mother.

I cried in front of my husband.

Basically, the last two weeks have been awash in tears. 

I don’t know if it’s my sensitive nature, or the overwhelming busy of my life, but I can’t remember the last time I second guessed my writing, my voice, my photography, or my sheer ability to create this much. 

After that car crash, it seemed like everything began to rush in and pull at me, starting with a wicked case of whip lash. Not only were there family situations that stirred up painful memories, but I had a growing list of obligations and responsibilities, 16 hour work days, and a loss in confidence in my work that left me feeling lost and discouraged, and frighted at how quickly things just took a turn for the worse. 

And then I got an email from a friend of mine in my bible study. She told me that no matter what is said to me or felt, that no one and nothing can control my identity. There is nothing in this world that holds power over me. 

As a creative, I tend to worry too much about what others think of me, and I begin to break down inwardly, the jagged pieces casting shadow after shadow over the skills God gifted me, and distorting them into doubt and weakness until they’re dull and invisible.

So for the first time in two weeks, I felt free. Free to remember that a just and loving God intentionally created me to think the way I think, create the way I create, and live the way I live.

While I still feel overwhelmed, tempted to quit the things I’m most passionate about, and stubborn in my willingness to bring my insecurities to the Lord, He revealed himself in my compassionate and helpful husband, my encouraging friends, and in little delights that reminded me there is purpose and meaning in what I do. 

He had power and control over every feature of my character from the beginning - knowing who I would become and what I would make, and that He made it so.

// Questions

• Have you ever felt overwhelmed, insecure and uncertain of your ability to create with purpose?
• What characteristics of God have been an encouragement to you during a time of lost confidence?  

If you’re feeling anything similar to the way I’ve felt these past two weeks, I encourage you to remember Galations 2:20 - 

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.